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Dear Everyone, My last email to you (co-regulation on steroids) went out over 2 months ago. So many things to write about… and yet, there it was, another long pause… I’m very aware of, and fascinated by: our cycles, currents, patterns, and changes. I’m fascinated by how when we’re “on a roll” it’s easier to do the thing. I’m aware that sometimes it can be unclear if I’m just in a cycle of more inwardness (which I’m fine with), or if I’ve fallen out of practice that deep down feels like a Yes. Well in this moment, I’d say, wherever I am on that scale, it’s time — so here I am, I’m just gonna go ahead and fumble my way back up onto the wagon of my newsletter writing practice — without a plan, with too many subjects, and with no intention to write about any of them tonight because this one is really just about breaking that ice yet again. Flu As Ceremony I write you, from bed. as I’m making my way from one version of the underworld. In this case, it was a swift and powerful flu. I felt perfectly normal on Thursday until evening came and within a handful of hours I was entering into a ceremonial-grade sickness. I’ll pause here and say I’ve been heavily overusing the term ceremonial grade these days (you’ll realize that soon enough)… I do feel that being sick is like a ceremony. Not a comfortable one. But one where I meet with and have no choice to sit down with (or lets be honest, lay down with) dark thoughts and painful feelings. Ever had a psychedelic journey that rendered you nonverbal? Ego slain? Well that was my Friday — I spent the entire day weak in bed, mostly sleeping (after a night of sleep, before a night of sleep) — finally my fever broke somewhere in the middle of the night/early morning hours on Saturday and I woke up dramatically improved. Now I’m just riding a wave of “normal sick” and very much almost better. Came in hot, moved through quick. Maybe it’s because just days before I came down with this flu I was in an experiential ketamine training/retreat up in the bay that I can’t help but compare this experience to a journey — but ever since that fever broke, it’s felt like I’m “coming back” to normal consciousness and digesting what got dredged up from my psyche. It hasn’t been fun. It’s been dark and rainy and cold…because I’ve been sick others have had to pick up the slack for my absence which has bummed me out…I’m asking a lot of existential questions … and feeling a lot of existential feelings… it’s been raw. All that which I am unsatisfied with in myself and my life, my fears, my tears, the whole she’bang.
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