Dear Subscriber First Name,

I am a Nerd.

Ok well after writing this banger of an opening line, I paused to go look up what it actually means.

NERD:

noun : a person who is extremely enthusiastic and knowledgeable about a particular subject, especially one of specialist or niche interest.

verb : engage in or discuss a technical field obsessively or with great attention to detail.

Ok So,

I am a nerd. I am a communication nerd! Now let’s nerd out about communication! 🤓

Through the years of my ongoing inquiry into “what makes me tick”, when I ask myself what I am passionate about, the first word that often comes through is: COMMUNICATION.

Sometimes I’m like… really?? YOU again? … what am I supposed to do with you?

Seriously, I love it all. Give me the verbal in talk or text form, give me the nonverbal with all the most delicate subtleties.

You should’ve seen me when AOL Instant Messenger came out when I was in high school…I was like THIIIS IIIS THE BEEEEST.

Here I am, over 20 years later, still enthusiastically texting (ideally from my computer keyboard for maximum expression) and voice memoing up the wazoo. (I’m going to be sending a near future newsletter all about my love affair with whatsapp voice memos). I thrive in rich and dynamic conversation spaces. I love wit, wordplay and expressive delivery. I love verbose and I also like it straight and to the point.

but one thing on my mind today, and the inspiration for this newsletter, is that I am passionate about Having Better Hard Conversations.

There’s soooo much that could be unpacked and explored on this topic, but today I just want to share one choice that has really helped me in my relationships.

I almost completely follow this rule - I do not have challenging / triggering / sensitive conversations via text.

Listen: I am a QUICK RESPONDER. Words come fast and easy to me, and some might say I even love to argue. (mental arm wrestle anyone??)

AND SO….when challenging interpersonal moments would come up, my activated system could take the wheel and just after reading I would tip tap type my reaction.

It could often tumble us both into more activation, more miscommunication/misunderstanding, and a more complex collection of reactions to unpack later.

Big Oof.

I am proud to say that for the past several years, after I set this rule for myself, there’s been a huge transformation in the way I relate with activating text exchanges.

I let my activation (feelings in my body) be the sounding of the alarm, reminding me to slow down, take a beat, and decide how I want to respond.

Sometimes the trigger has nothing to do with the other person and I can recognize that and be with it on my own.

Other times I might mentally note that I want to bring this up to the person later.

or, I might say that to them directly, and ask for a voice to voice conversation. (“I am totally open to hearing you on this, can we find a time to talk on the phone or in person?”)

Other times, I might choose to write an email to express through written word more thoughtfully and calmly. (Email has, by nature, a feeling of more spaciousness for both receiving and responding).

Obvi I’m not perfect and I’ve had my moments here and there, but they’ve been minimal and I catch them quickly, acknowledge them (often not just to myself but to the other person as well), and then choose which route of action feels best from there.

It’s OKAY to be triggered, it’s OKAY to have conflict. Conversations can be both challenging AND healthy at the same time…

…but with texting, there can be soOOOOoOO much room for miscommunication / misunderstandings.

If you haven’t seen the Comedy Central skit on this topic by Key & Peele, click here to have a laugh.

We all have different communication styles, capacities, and sometimes a text really is the “right” choice. (this happens to me too!) … but I can really say that my Rule/Boundary of no triggering text convos has been a valuable gold standard for me, with room for thoughtfully chosen exceptions.

Sometimes (like today) when I write these things, I write a few paragraphs that go off in some other direction and just don’t feel right. Today I did that- I deleted a few paragraphs that shared a bit more about my passion for and interest in having better hard conversations, and that last year I had contemplated attending an NVC intensive training (Non Violent Communication) as a sensible foundation for any future professional path I might carve that centers healthy communication and relational practices.

Well, 1/2 way through this newsletter, I remembered that, wrote about it, deleted it, AND THEN I WENT TO THEIR SITE and just signed up for a 2025 intensive in Palos Verdes.

True story: I wrote this newsletter in response to a screenshot one of my best friends just sent me. She screenshotted a text she had sent to another friend that had some edge to it. I reflected back that I didn’t think text was the best place for that conversation. She agreed and unsent the message, saving the talk for a future time. I started writing you. and here we are now - thanks to you, I’ve enrolled myself in a training that supports this passion of mine. Now isn’t that just nice???

Like I always say, we really are all in this together.

So tell me.

What has helped you in having better conversations with your loved ones?

or…

What is something you’d like to get better at in your relationships?

For those of you in LA… when I’m not writing newsletters, I’m so delighted to get to share in sacred space with you. ♡ book here for nervous system soothing and balancing craniosacral sessions + book a consultation for deep dive journeys ♡

with you and with love,

Mari

www.mari.mu